This post is a reflection on why my breakup had to happen in order for me to be TRULY happy. For transparency reasons, I admitted on Facebook (friends-only visibility) that my beau and I split up in February. I made this move only after I’ve individually spoken to select family/friends about my separation beforehand.
I consider our breakup a testament to the success of our relationship. You may think that’s a weird thing to say but thru living and loving in this relationship, I got the answer to questions I’ve needed answers to like:
- Can I really be with/married to someone long-term? (I define long-term as 3+ years together)
- Can I put in the work required to make this relationship successful?
- Can I let someone into my heart and let him/her share my happiness and pain?
- Could I love someone how they want to be loved?
- Could I let someone actually love me for me?
- Could I be secure in my vulnerability? in his/her vulnerability?
- Would I be able to handle the responsibility of being a trusted partner?
- Would I be capable of deep intimacy in a loving relationship?
- Would I be free? Would s/he be free in this commitment?
The answer to all these questions is a resouding YES! Prior to the breakup, we had 4+ years of blissful co-creation. We lived together, had mutual interests and projects we pursued together. We worked well individually and as a team. I got to see myself in a relationship with someone who was good to me and for me. For him, I was someone to love, care about and have fun with! Honestly, we were a great couple; Our friends thought so. That’s why it was a shock for most of them to learn that we were through.
To the amazement of certain individuals, I’ve elected to stay an extra month with my ex. While I’m here, we continue to hang out and go out (as friends only) for dinner, movies, groceries or chores. I appreciate this time together because it allowed us closure: we had breakup communications and feelings to sort through. I really wanted to part ways from a good-feeling place hence we didn’t wanna leave anything unsaid or undone.
This weekend, he’s helping me move the rest of my stuff out of our apartment. After that, there’ll be 6 months (minimum) to 1 year no contact (at my request) because I only do clean breaks. He asked to remain friends but I don’t think that’s a good idea now. Perhaps that is possible in a year but definitely NOT NOW.
While “playing house” I noticed myself changing in ways to please me. As well, I started to change things about myself to please him because I thought that was what I was supposed to be doing! Some changes he asked for (like asking me to grow my hair really long), some just happened naturally (below). I begun evolving in ways I didn’t think possible. To give you concrete examples, below is a list of things I’ve learned/gotten better at while I was in this relationship:
- I became a Master Baker (yes, seriously)! I can now make amazing boules (ball-shaped bread). According to the ex, and the many lucky friends visiting me while I had something in the oven, apparently I can make our apartment smell like an authentic boulangerie!
- I now have a wicked repertoire of French food (both savoury and sweet). Prior to this relationship, French was the only cuisine style I was intimidated to make. I learned to make boeuf bourguignon, tartiflette, gratin dauphinois, fougasse (focaccia), croque monsieur, steak frites, moules marinières (shellfish), sole meunière (fish), magret de canard (duck), and my fave dish of all time: ratatouille!
As well, I can now confidently whip up desserts such as tarte tatin, éclairs, macarons, madeleines (cookies), Paris-Brest (cake), Ile Flottante (floating island) and poire belle Hélène.
- Because my ex had a spicy food sensitivity, I learned how to cook non-spicy versions of Indian dishes. This grew out of increasing disappointment at dining out at Indian restaurants (both cheap and pricy) at not being able to cater to our requests of “please make this dish non-spicy.” I’ve extended this ability to creating non-spicy fusion food too 🙂
I use food/cooking as examples because I’m a foodie and, admittedly, our relationship revolved heavily around us prepping, making and sharing food as a couple. Our family and friends have had the distinct pleasure of tasting our wonderful dishes. Many of them say we should’ve opened a restaurant together, to which I often said “nah” because it’s a lot of work, LOL.
- My happiness always depends on me, never on my partner, so it’s best to do things that please me regardless of how it affects him
- It’s a good idea to keep separate as well as mutual friends to do things with. These are the people who’ll help you pack your things, start moving and drag you when you need to go out and dont feel like it, LOL
- The only person I need to marry is me (watch the Tracy McMillan video below). While we were in a common-law relationship, my ex gave me 2 rings: a promise band and a commitment ring (which is a blue on black version of The Abyss replica ring). I’ve kept both in storage as I do appreciate the relationship. A long time from now, when I see them, I hope to smile at the past.
- Later on, I’ll date again. Until then, I’ll have a break from dating/romantic relationships because I need time to heal and realize/appreciate the lessons
- At the end of the day, we all just want to be loved in a way that feels good for each of us. If you can’t provide/get that from your partner (after trying to fix things), perhaps you’re not meant to be! That’s ok. Now you know exactly what you want. I hope you find it or it finds you 🙂
I close this post with the I LOVE MYSELF affirmation from Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life:
Deep at the centre of my being,
there is an infinite well of love.
I now allow this love to flow to the surface.
It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness,
my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions
and returns to me mutliplied.
The more love I use and give, the more I have to give.
The supply is endless.
The use of love makes me feel good,
it is an expression of my inner joy.
I love myself;
therefore, I take loving care of my body.
I lovingly feed it nourishing foods and beverages,
I lovingly groom it and dress it, and my body lovingly
responds to me with vibrant health and energy.
I love myself; therefore I provide for myself
a comfortable home, one that fills
all my needs and is a pleasure to be in.
I fill the rooms with the vibration of love
so that all who enter, myself included,
will feel this love and be nourished by it.
I love myself; therefore I work at a job I truly enjoy
doing, one that uses my creative talents and abilities,
working with and for people I love and who love me,
and earning a good income.
I love myself; therefore, I behave and think in a loving
way to all people for I know that which I give out
returns to me multiplied.
I only attract loving people in my world,
for they are a mirror of what I am.
I love myself; therefore I forgive and totally release
the past and all past experiences and I am free.
I love myself; therefore I live totally in the now,
experiencing each moment as good and knowing that
my future is bright and joyous and secure,
for I am a beloved child of the Universe
and the Universe lovingly takes care of me
now and forever more.
And so it is.